 Of course there is no practical way to make meeting a stranger absolutely safe, but here are some effective ways to help reduce the risk.
Before the first date!
1. Get an anonymous e-mail account.
NEVER post your real name anywhere online. Remove it from chat programs, and any email accounts that you use for recreational correspondence. If you need to get one, try Yahoo or Hotmail.
2. Take time!
Nothing will give you better prospective than time! Has your date's habits, mood or language inexplicably changed? Are you becoming more suspicious of something with time; perhaps something just doesn't feel right?
3. Get a phone number!
Chat on the phone a few times... what can you hear in the background? Do background noises match the information you have been told? Is the household supposed to have children, pets, etc.? Listen, Listen, Listen! Remember to block caller-ID's until you chose to give your number. Note that if you have been asked to call an 800# its likely that your phone number will be recorded on the recipient's phone bill.
4. Verify the phone number!
Call Directory Assistance and insure that your date's phone number matches the name they gave you... If your date's number is unlisted, Directory Assistance will verify that 'so and so' has a number, but its unlisted.
5. Call at unanticipated times!
Someone who cherishes you will always delight to take your call! Does someone unexpected answer the phone? Does your date seem irritable that you are calling unexpectedly? Perhaps they have something to hide.. Don't be a pest, but try a couple of unanticipated times... just to sense the temperature...
6. Ask to have a family photo!
Is your date a 'family man?' Is (s)he proud of the children? Do the kids seem to match the details you were told?
7. Get a physical address and mail a card.
Use a return address that will not reveal your identity or your physical address (i.e. just use your screen name and a PO Box or work address) and see if the card is returned for any reason. Allow a minimum of 10 days to receive returned mail if the address turns out to be bogus.
8. Ask about previous relationships.
Was your date previously married? In any long term relationships? Why did they end? Does there seem to be any remorse? Should there be? Does your date seem to have recovered from the separation or dissolving of the relationship? Always ask "What would the other person say about you?" Listen, listen, listen! If it feels right, ask questions. If it all feels wrong, ask questions. Clarify! If it doesn't seem to add up, it might not!
For the first date!
1. Clarify everyone's expectations.
Nothing hurts a relationship or friendship more than poor communication! If you are both on the same wavelength you are less likely to get hurt. If you are not on the same wavelength, perhaps its best to wait until you are!
2. Always use common sense.
Just because you have known someone online for some time, do not let down your guard any sooner than with a 'traditional' date.
3. Double date if possible.
Your best friend is dying for the details anyway! If you judge that to be too awkward, ask if perhaps your best friend might also take in the same activities and kind of keep an eye peeled for you!
4. ALWAYS conduct early dates in very public places.
Go to a restaurant in the mall. Go to a club at a hotel. Always be near other people.. If you want to take a walk hand in hand, let it be in the mall. Want the great outdoors? Walk near the surf on a popular beach.
5. AVOID relying on your date for transportation.
If you want to end the date or need to end the date, don't be left in the unenviable position of being hostage to transportation. Do not leave your car behind!
6. Think Ahead.
Know in advance where police and fire stations are so you know where you can get help if needed. Anticipate some snags, and pre-plan your response.
7. Never leave your food or beverages unattended.
Powerful new drugs exist that can make you prey to the other person's wishes and hardly recall anything in the morning. If you start to feel ill, insist on calling a friend or taking a cab if you are too ill to drive home.
8. Let someone know your plans.
Tell someone who you are going to be with, including name & phone number. If its convenient, notice your date's license plate number and leave the information on your answering machine at home or with a friend. Agree to be home at a certain hour, or to call someone to let them know you will be late.
Now... if you have done your homework, and prepared correctly, both you and your date can relax and have a good time.... and the folks who love you can relax too!
Safety First
You need very little personal information about someone in order to find out everything about them. It is amazing what people will unwittingly reveal to you through a series of conversations or email exchanges. While the digital dating scene is mostly a fun experience and can lead to long lasting relationships, remember to have fun AND play it safe.
* Think carefully before giving out personal information such as your last name, place of work, where you attended or attend school, your address or city, names of your parents or children, your daily routine, your phone number. If someone pressures you for such information, move on and ignore that person.
Alternative: Make an agreement up front with your potential partner that you will both use nicknames to address one another and not reveal any personal identifying information until it is deemed agreeable by both of you. Instead of giving out phone numbers to talk via voice, hook up online and chat via voice. See The Digital Date area for more information about voice chat online.
* Don't use your regular email address.
Alternative: Set up a free email account specifically for communicating with potentinal online romances. I recommend Hotmail. Hotmail lets you filter incoming email by keywords in the subject or by email addresses, so it is easy to filter out spam and to block email from potentials who are creepy. Make sure that you do NOT provide true information when signing up for a free email account, and make sure you opt out of the email server's member directory if you do provide identifying information.
* Don't give out your personal Instant Message ID or ICQ number to people.
Alternative: Set up a free Instant Message account or ICQ account to give to potential online romances. Make sure that you do not provide any personal identifying information associated with your Instant Message or ICQ account. You can get free instant messaging software from AOL, Yahoo!, or MSN.
* Trust your instincts. If you have a feeling that someone isn't who they represent themself to be, believe yourself and discontinue communicating with the person.
* Don't reply to emails or instant messages that are lewd or make you feel uncomfortable.
Alternative: IGNORE the person. Block the person's email address or instant message ID so they cannot contact you. Don't waste your time on that loser when you could be going through emails and instant messages from positive potential mates.
* For the first real, in person date don't meet in private. If you are to the point in your online relationship that the two of you want to meet in person, do so in a safe public place where you both feel comfortable.
Ideas: Meet at the movies, a coffee shop, restaurant, sporting event, festival, fair, amusement park, or the like. Don't plan an entire day together, allot a few hours for the date so no one feels obligated further. Take your own method of transporation and do not travel together in the same car. Maybe next time she or he can pick you up for the date, but for now, why rush a good thing and endanger yourself? If you are flying out of state or out of the country, arrange your own travel plans. Book your own hotel room and rental car so you are dependant upon yourself and not a total stranger. Once you are in the same city as the person, follow the general guidelines for meeting for the first time mentioned above.
* Take action if you are being harassed, threatened, or if someone online is scaring you via email or instant messages.
Courses of Action: If it is via email, contact the sender's email administrator and report him or her. Decline all contact with the person by adding him or her to your email and instant messag blocking features. Do not congregate in chatrooms where the person hangs out. Contact your local police department if necessary.
* Investigate. Once you have obtained some personal information you can obtain criminal and civil records, as well as a plethora of other information about the person. I advise you do this if you are considering entering a serious relationship with your online partner and you have any suspicions... but if you have suspicions, why are thinking of entering a serious relationship with the person anyway?
How: Look in your yellow pages and contact a private investigator in your area. Or, do a search online for private investigators or information brokers.
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